Book Excerpt #7: Meet Jamal

Why do you choose to watch pornography?

I would very much say it was not a choice, really. Although, actually, I will clarify that statement. I think for a majority of the time where I watched porn, internet pornography, it hasn't been a choice, and I'll talk about that, but I think recently, after, I guess, having time to really step back and evaluate my pornographic practices, I realized that I could actively opt into watching porn. Um, in fact, realistically the finer nuance is, maybe, I would say, to satisfy sexual urges, but at the same time I still recognize how unfulfilling porn can be, especially after you finish masturbating. Sometimes it comes up from idleness. Usually, I think too, in some way in my mind, to satisfy sexual urges. For the other part, recently kind of opting into watching porn as opposed to feeling compelled to watch porn or whatever.

I think it's a bit harsh, it's a bit extreme of a diagnosis and it wasn't really medical— I call it that, because I think saying it like this helped me really understand the magnitude of it and how I wanted to approach it. I think I would say that I had an internet pornography addiction at a point in time. And, like I said, I think at first, I tried to wean myself off of it from this religious perspective of, you know, "It's bad because of this, this, this, this, and that," and other moral perspectives. And I think they had their merits, but I don't think that they were as compelling for me as the science. I mean, either way I see it as God led me to the science, because I think that's something that really allowed me to understand the repercussions. Because I could see some of the effects of it in my daily life. Or at least so I felt, in terms of concentration, focus, memory, also perception towards women in a way. I never really...

Uh, I wouldn't say I'm a— I wouldn't even use this term ever in the same sentence as my name, but by no means am I a misogynist or do I have any hate towards women. But I think pornography really shapes your mind in certain ways to view women in a particular light. And just understanding all of that and understanding how, you know, pornography really hooks the mind in a way similar to hard drugs really helped me understand the magnitude of what it is that I was facing. In that sense, why I watched porn... it was more than addiction. Like, it was something that, like, I would consciously not want to watch, but then I would find myself watching it. Even in the moment I would be say, "I don't want to do this," but I would still find myself watching the porn, and eventually feeling shitty afterwards. You know, I think it's nuanced in that case as well, because there would be instances where I'm like, "Oh, I want to watch it," but I think that's still in some ways a manifestation of the addiction. Just me feeling me like I needed or wanted to, but immediately afterwards I would feel, um, not good.

I think, to reiterate, something that I did find refreshing recently, when I was able to consciously opt into it, was finding that I didn't feel shitty afterwards. Not necessarily because there was the lack of the empty feeling, because I think that can happen either way, just an empty feeling after watching porn and masturbating, but because I knew in my head that it was something I consciously opted into. And I think that even refined the way that I was watching the porn. Like, it wasn't these long binges that, you know, I think have more deteriorative effects on your brain, both scientifically and also just a waste of time. But more like being more conscious of, you know, what I wanted to avoid. Specifically in terms of time. Yeah, I think specifically in terms of time and just not varying too much. Because I think that is part of what contributes to the addictive nature of pornography, from a scientific standpoint.